Getting into university was a must. It never was an option. But now that the scholarship has failed to materialise, I am afraid that has become a sort of far-fetched wish. I'm afraid I will not get into university.

Had I known I would not get it, I would have stayed in hc. The difference being that in a good school, regardless of how lousy you are, universities consider you first and so do future employers. They look at your school background and less of your own attributes, because the school you go to really reflect something of you. (Yes, they are that shallow, I'm sorry.) Despite knowing I would really suffer in hc, studying like crazy and facing stress from xx's lessons, I would have still stayed in hc. (The only comfort being my class.) Now look, much as I regret going to poly with the greatest possibility of NOT getting into university weighing heavily at the back of my mind, it is too late to turn back the clock.boo.

Clearly, without the scholarship, it is far harder to stand out amongst the many others who may be vying for a university education as well. I mean, I feel like I am being engulfed over here, by the people and their attention-seeking stunts and voices etc. Sure, back in hc I was engulfed too, by homework and tests and studying but hey, at least I could make some noise and people heard me. Now, I feel like I'm more of a ghost...and when I speak, no one can hear me....except for maybe a few. But being the attention lover that I am (most of the time anyway), without attention being directed at me, it just tears me up inside.It makes me feel unimportant. Like no one gives a shit about me. I don't feel fully comfortable and that really sucks.

Meeting qingy, rina, shipei, siew ying last night was so much more different! We talked like no one's business. We listened to each other speak about our lives. We shared our experiences and talked about our deepest secrets and troubles. Spot the difference? I missed these people and I miss those days. We laughed and talked and sympathised. We got excited and happy. These are friends who condone your mistakes and listen to your opinions. Who share your problems and hear your grouches. Who understands you when you give a whine. Who take time to respond to your jokes (no matter how cold they are). These are true friends and they are few.

How I wished that I had stayed in hc. but the longing has long diminished greatly because I have let go of a lot. Given up the thought of returning there, given up the thought of good friends, given up the thought of coming across as outspoken and enthusiastic, given up the thought of a lot of things I could have been at hc, the possibilities were abound. But now, I seem to have lost it all. Poly has made me tired and I cannot seem to fight for these at poly where the student base is greater ten-fold. Where the people here just do not really listen to opinions and think they are the centre of attraction (okay not really la, just an analogy). I mean, I'm sure these people are nice, but they are kind of burying me under and keeping me there. And each layer seem to be getting thicker and thicker till I can fight it no more. I feel like even if I scream at the top of my voice, I still would not be heard. I feel that way.boo boo.

Sigh~ how it sucks. Seriously, this blow has left me rather upset. Initially, upon news of not getting the scholarship, I had mixed feelings. Sad that I did not get it, because I mean, I would have expected myself to have gotten it; like I do so well come poly, expect them to give me a scholarship but look what happened. If this was the case, I might as well have appealed like crazy to stay in hc. Yet, I felt relieved at the same time I guess, so there was not so much stress to do well. I could afford to fail tests. However, I have decided to do as best as I can, to let them see that I can do as well even with out a stupid scholarship. I would do academically well and be outgoing and participate in activities. I would make them regret that they did not give me a scholarship. I would be so good that they would be fighting to give me one. That external organisations and universities would be fighting to give me one. I'm trying to ignore the tiny voice at the back of my head screaming doubts at my opinionated self.

Well,let's just try our best shall we? I shall score during my common tests and not compromise my assignments and projects. Speaking of which, I need to go tell Mrs Teoh that my group will be doing on the GSS for our microeconomics assignment.And speaking of which, I seriously need some shopping.

GOOD NEWS! My place to Cambodia has been confirmed!! yay! I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOO happy!! alrights alrights, it is time to go study...after all, I want to do well is it not? yups. oh jeepers, horribility.GAHH.

Getting into university was a must. It never was an option. But now that the scholarship has failed to materialise, I am afraid that has become a sort of far-fetched wish. I'm afraid I will not get into university.

Had I known I would not get it, I would have stayed in hc. The difference being that in a good school, regardless of how lousy you are, universities consider you first and so do future employers. They look at your school background and less of your own attributes, because the school you go to really reflect something of you. (Yes, they are that shallow, I'm sorry.) Despite knowing I would really suffer in hc, studying like crazy and facing stress from xx's lessons, I would have still stayed in hc. (The only comfort being my class.) Now look, much as I regret going to poly with the greatest possibility of NOT getting into university weighing heavily at the back of my mind, it is too late to turn back the clock.boo.

Clearly, without the scholarship, it is far harder to stand out amongst the many others who may be vying for a university education as well. I mean, I feel like I am being engulfed over here, by the people and their attention-seeking stunts and voices etc. Sure, back in hc I was engulfed too, by homework and tests and studying but hey, at least I could make some noise and people heard me. Now, I feel like I'm more of a ghost...and when I speak, no one can hear me....except for maybe a few. But being the attention lover that I am (most of the time anyway), without attention being directed at me, it just tears me up inside.It makes me feel unimportant. Like no one gives a shit about me. I don't feel fully comfortable and that really sucks.

Meeting qingy, rina, shipei, siew ying last night was so much more different! We talked like no one's business. We listened to each other speak about our lives. We shared our experiences and talked about our deepest secrets and troubles. Spot the difference? I missed these people and I miss those days. We laughed and talked and sympathised. We got excited and happy. These are friends who condone your mistakes and listen to your opinions. Who share your problems and hear your grouches. Who understands you when you give a whine. Who take time to respond to your jokes (no matter how cold they are). These are true friends and they are few.

How I wished that I had stayed in hc. but the longing has long diminished greatly because I have let go of a lot. Given up the thought of returning there, given up the thought of good friends, given up the thought of coming across as outspoken and enthusiastic, given up the thought of a lot of things I could have been at hc, the possibilities were abound. But now, I seem to have lost it all. Poly has made me tired and I cannot seem to fight for these at poly where the student base is greater ten-fold. Where the people here just do not really listen to opinions and think they are the centre of attraction (okay not really la, just an analogy). I mean, I'm sure these people are nice, but they are kind of burying me under and keeping me there. And each layer seem to be getting thicker and thicker till I can fight it no more. I feel like even if I scream at the top of my voice, I still would not be heard. I feel that way.boo boo.

Sigh~ how it sucks. Seriously, this blow has left me rather upset. Initially, upon news of not getting the scholarship, I had mixed feelings. Sad that I did not get it, because I mean, I would have expected myself to have gotten it; like I do so well come poly, expect them to give me a scholarship but look what happened. If this was the case, I might as well have appealed like crazy to stay in hc. Yet, I felt relieved at the same time I guess, so there was not so much stress to do well. I could afford to fail tests. However, I have decided to do as best as I can, to let them see that I can do as well even with out a stupid scholarship. I would do academically well and be outgoing and participate in activities. I would make them regret that they did not give me a scholarship. I would be so good that they would be fighting to give me one. That external organisations and universities would be fighting to give me one. I'm trying to ignore the tiny voice at the back of my head screaming doubts at my opinionated self.

Well,let's just try our best shall we? I shall score during my common tests and not compromise my assignments and projects. Speaking of which, I need to go tell Mrs Teoh that my group will be doing on the GSS for our microeconomics assignment.And speaking of which, I seriously need some shopping.

GOOD NEWS! My place to Cambodia has been confirmed!! yay! I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOO happy!! alrights alrights, it is time to go study...after all, I want to do well is it not? yups. oh jeepers, horribility.GAHH.